i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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