This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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