I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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