Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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