The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
