What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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