do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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