His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
