scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
