I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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