I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
