I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
