Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
