I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
