Acid is not a monday night drug
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
