I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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