She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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