i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize