man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
