I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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