At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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