Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
