Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
