All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
