made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
