I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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