Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
