i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
