if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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