I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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