you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
