my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You pole danced in your parka.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
