So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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