finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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