I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
