this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize