This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
