so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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