either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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