he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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