I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
