Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
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