My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
