i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
