I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
