Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He felt like a one man threesome
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
