new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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