How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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