I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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