You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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