i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
