i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
