They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
