My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
