If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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