I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
