Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize
