Don't you send me to vm
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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