does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
