I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
