I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
