The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
